LJ Idol Break Week entry: Jantelagen
Dec. 21st, 2016 11:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adoptedwriterRecently I did my DNA test at Ancestry.com. My results were astounding.
There are mixed attitudes among the adoption community that attempt to hold the adoptee back in terms of making progress with connecting to his or her biological past. Many professionals, (i.e. social workers, clergy and medical practitioners), especially those from older schools of thinking, still believe that we should just be content and thankful for the lives we had; the lives we would never have been able to experience if we hadn’t been adopted. It’s like a Law of Jante in which the adopted individual feels shamed if they speak out and disagree.
Unfortunately, sometimes among fellow adoptees, there is dissention when so many are struggling to accept a reality they despise: that their birth records in some states are legally closed. When one adoptee is fortunate enough to actually find their birth family and have successful relationships, and other adoptees do not or cannot, resentment grows toward the one who had good luck. I see way too much of this behavior in on-line support groups for adoptees and birth parents.
I am one of the “lucky” adoptees. Some people are going to hate me for that, and I have to accept it. Unfortunately, as much as I want to shout from the hilltops about how proud I am of my birth family, my heritage and history, I cannot say much in certain support groups. I am even careful in groups where I trust the members because you never know who might be having a “Bad Adoption Day” and have hurt feelings.
That’s the thing. Another commonality among the adopted is a fear of offending others to the point where it inhibits our own progress, lest we be rejected. Many of us felt rejected at birth, and no one wants to relive that or accidently trigger ourselves.
Back to my DNA results: One thing I learned, that I had no idea about, and neither did my birth sisters, was that I have Scandinavian, (Swedish-Norwegian) heritage. As per the custom of some of my ancestors, among most adopted people I interact with on line, I am very cautious. I begin with restraint and humility. I share very little unless asked. I listen and observe. Then I think and I write and reflect. This practice keeps me out of on-line trouble most of the time.
There are mixed attitudes among the adoption community that attempt to hold the adoptee back in terms of making progress with connecting to his or her biological past. Many professionals, (i.e. social workers, clergy and medical practitioners), especially those from older schools of thinking, still believe that we should just be content and thankful for the lives we had; the lives we would never have been able to experience if we hadn’t been adopted. It’s like a Law of Jante in which the adopted individual feels shamed if they speak out and disagree.
Unfortunately, sometimes among fellow adoptees, there is dissention when so many are struggling to accept a reality they despise: that their birth records in some states are legally closed. When one adoptee is fortunate enough to actually find their birth family and have successful relationships, and other adoptees do not or cannot, resentment grows toward the one who had good luck. I see way too much of this behavior in on-line support groups for adoptees and birth parents.
I am one of the “lucky” adoptees. Some people are going to hate me for that, and I have to accept it. Unfortunately, as much as I want to shout from the hilltops about how proud I am of my birth family, my heritage and history, I cannot say much in certain support groups. I am even careful in groups where I trust the members because you never know who might be having a “Bad Adoption Day” and have hurt feelings.
That’s the thing. Another commonality among the adopted is a fear of offending others to the point where it inhibits our own progress, lest we be rejected. Many of us felt rejected at birth, and no one wants to relive that or accidently trigger ourselves.
Back to my DNA results: One thing I learned, that I had no idea about, and neither did my birth sisters, was that I have Scandinavian, (Swedish-Norwegian) heritage. As per the custom of some of my ancestors, among most adopted people I interact with on line, I am very cautious. I begin with restraint and humility. I share very little unless asked. I listen and observe. Then I think and I write and reflect. This practice keeps me out of on-line trouble most of the time.
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no subject
Date: 2016-12-22 08:25 am (UTC)But feelings can change over time and that's a harsh restriction to place on the human heart.
I know of adoptees who have chosen not to pursue their birth parents because they feel like it wouldn't go well, and that it might harm the relationship they have with their real (adoptive) parents. In any case it would be a change in the dynamic, no matter what.
It seems like there is no right answer here. You might long to know who your biologically related people are, knowing that short of that DNA swab, you'll probably never meet them, You might acquire a relationship with the birth parents and discover you neither need nor want them in your life after that first meeting.
It's a fascinating examination of this uniquely human experience.
no subject
Date: 2016-12-22 02:48 pm (UTC)Thanks! The experience has been quite an adventure. There's more to share revmy DNA results. We'll see what other topics Gary has in store!
no subject
Date: 2016-12-22 04:25 pm (UTC)Second, I think it makes a lot of sense wanting to learn more about your birth ancestry. So many physical and mental traits pass along genetic lines.
In my husband's family, one of his dad's sisters put a child up for adoption. Recently that child has contacted my husband's family and have met some of them. She seems so familiar to them and like many of them, works as an artist. So it was a blessing to discover more about her!
no subject
Date: 2016-12-23 12:12 am (UTC)How cool!
no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 03:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 01:03 am (UTC)Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 12:29 am (UTC)My brother got the DNA kit from Ancestry.com from Christmas and will be sending it in. My dad, however, said it would still be useful for me to do it, too, because apparently the results may be different depending on what specific traits we inherited from the different nationalities that brewed us. :)
no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 04:55 pm (UTC)This is true. And KFP is a product of all that so it provides info for him some day. A real life science lesson! Bonus!
no subject
Date: 2017-01-02 11:18 pm (UTC)