T-Words and Touchy Subjects

[adoptedwriter]

 The T-Word:

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the T-word, (“Trigger”) lately. The word itself  has the potential to be over-used, like those professional buzz words that go around: “paradigm”, “synergy” and “best practices”. (Actually, those kinds of words are what trigger me more than anything else.) I’m weird because the words you would assume should be chilling or angst-inflicting are far less troubling to me. Thank G-d I no longer find myself in this situation, but in the past I have been “psychologically / emotionally work-abused” in that I have been mislead, invalidated, taken advantage of and excluded by colleagues in charge who love to toss this type of work lingo around. I am also sure that I am not the only person reading this who has experienced similar treatment.

 

Even if The T-word itself is over used, that doesn’t mean that triggers don’t exist. We just need to think carefully and respectfully about what we label as triggers and explore how and why they create the effects they do.

 

I never questioned being triggered as a child. That’s not something you did if you were taught to show respect to authority figures and elders. In fact, I didn’t even realize if I was being triggered as a kid. I’m sure it was unintentional. My family members were good people. The thinking then was also that it was much better to toughen you up. Maybe people who survived two World Wars and a Great Depression thought this was a way to instill a survival skill.  As an adopted kid, I became an expert at surviving (emotionally).

 

Regarding adoption, I was exposed to all the trigger-tastic, classic lines:

 

“You’re special.”

“G-d sent you to us.”

“ She (your birthmother) loved you so much she gave you away.”

“You’re ours.”

“You’re so lucky. / Thank your lucky stars.”

“What happened to…/ So where are your ‘real’ parents?”

“What more could you want that you don’t already have?”

 

I wonder, are these comments actual triggers or just over used buzz-sayings that some non-adopted folks use as go-to responses because they have no idea what to say that’s productive, or are they both?

 

These days, I’m not triggered by these lines. Anymore, they’re unenlightened eye-rollers and openings in a conversation, which I use as my chance to provide clues to less-taught, typically non-adopted individuals. My plan is to take power from these words and statements and use that power to educate the less informed. 

 

The thing is, whatever word, phrasing or image it is that causes an unpleasant sensation for you, it signifies something; It matters, and it’s an individual thing, meaning what irks me might not be the thing that irks you and vice-versa.

 

Whatever your T-words, visuals and phrases are, they generally are annoying and upsetting because they downplay your feelings and belief systems. They invalidate your abilities and thoughts. They make you feel inferior and like you do not measure up. The message of T-words suggests that something is missing or lacking about you. 

 

Some T-words and sayings are bothersome because they make you feel as though someone else is trying to impose their belief system on you. T-words make you feel like someone is attempting to control the way you do things. T-words make you feel like someone is taking away your freedom.

 

The thing is, YOU and your thoughts do matter. YOU do count. YOU deserve respect, even if some people disagree in opinion. 

 

When T-words occur for me, I suspect it’s my Adoptee-Brain rearing up, and I do my best to figure out why a certain term or group of words can send me into “shields up” mode.(With the afore mentioned terms I associate them with changes or shifts in the hierarchy of employees and what if I’m not good enough.) I shouldn’t have to live that way every day, but at the same time, I cannot expect other people and institutions of society to constantly police their vocabulary, especially when they have no way of knowing my situation. 

 

What I’m saying here is, yes, we all have triggers. They aren’t all the same for all people, and that’s OK. For me, the things you wouldn’t associate with adoption could be inciting, and other more adoption-related things aren’t  the ones that make my brain back fire. It’s impossible to 100% avoid being triggered in life in the same way it’s also 100% impossible to never inadvertently use a T-word around someone else. We just do the best we can.

 

Sometimes the troublesome verbiage and pictures we hear or see are just old-timey notions rooted in ignorance or intolerance. We are weary of hearing these ineffective scripted responses over and over and do not know how to make it stop.

 

So how do we halt the effects of T-words and T-imagery? What could people say or do instead that would be more honoring or gracious?

 

Here are some ideas:

 

As the speaker, try responding with:

 

“What was that like for you?”

“Tell me about…”

“How do you feel about it?”

“I’d like to know more about...”

“Anytime you’d like to talk, I’d love to hear more.”

Apologize, even if what you said / did was accidental, (and sincerely mean it).

Just listen

Avoid arguing, correcting or taking sides

Be receptive to new ideas

Understand that we ____(insert marginalized group)____ live the  experience every day.

Remember that we have something to teach you. 

Be cognizant of the fact that we  have had a myriad of experiences, and no two stories are alike

 

What we, as highly sensitive people can do to remedy the situation:

 

Understand that changes won’t happen over night.

Start with the belief that someone triggering you probably is not doing it deliberately. They are probably unaware.

Use the T-Word or incident as a teachable moment. 

In the moment, (yes, this is hard), remain as neutral as possible while teaching the unaware party. (Vent later.)

After the discussion, if you feel drained, do something nice for yourself or your pet or another person you care about. (Walk - pet the dog, listen to music, dance, nap, have a cookie, call an old friend, play video games, draw or color, have a glass of wine.)

 

In short; Take what feels like a negative and turn it into a positive. 

 

Our individual lives are like no others. Humans are strong and resilient. We are smart and experienced with uniquenesses in life. We are in the power seat because we know our own situation better than anyone else. We are worthy and deserve respect not only because of a distressful event but because we are all part of the Universe. 

 

 

 

Comments

[eeyore_grrl]

"We are worthy and deserve respect not only because of a distressful event but because we are all part of the Universe."
YES YES YES!

and, coming from a fucked up childhood, this is a good thing for me to remember. Also, YAY THERAPY! :-)

[adoptedwriter]

Hugs. Thanks!

[bleodswean]

I, also, had never heard this word until about fifteen years ago. It's a tragic thing that a person can be affected by words and images. I love your positive reinforcements and I hope some are able to take this and find strength in your ideas!

[adoptedwriter]

Thanks!

[alycewilson]

It's so true that it's easy to accidentally bring up a sensitive subject for people. I like your tips for what to do to avoid those situations.

[adoptedwriter]

Thanks!

[halfshellvenus]

I like the spirit of this piece very much, and I especially like that it offers ways to help increase understanding and consideration on all sides!

[adoptedwriter]

Thanks so much!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Start with the belief that someone triggering you probably is not doing it deliberately. They are probably unaware.

This is probably the best advice - it's hard sometimes, but I generally believe that people aren't malicious in their interactions with other people. Of course, there are times that someone is malicious, but I feel like initial interactions, or people that you consider close, are not "out to get you."

You can't always control your triggers and the feelings they stir up inside of you, but it is also good to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to be understanding of their side.

[adoptedwriter]

Thanks!

[swirlsofpurple]

*Hugs* Sorry you had to go through all these, it seems like you've dealt with it really well. Thank you for sharing.

I agree we do over-use tr***er to its detriment. I think we should bring back the word squick.

[adoptedwriter]

Thanks for stopping by! 😊

[flipflop_diva]

I really like your positive take on a hard subject. I never really would have thought before how those phrases about adoption could be triggering for someone who is adopted, but it makes sense when I think about it. (Which goes along with your point that a lot of times, we don't necessarily think about it.)

But I really like your ideas for how to turn things into a positive. I'm going to screencap this so I can keep it in mind in the future :)

[adoptedwriter]

Wow! Cool! I’m honored! 😍

[murielle]

Amen!

So true on so many levels. I am so grateful for this entry. Well done!

[adoptedwriter]

Thanks! 🥰