Week 13, LJ-DW Idol KINship or KINtsugi?

[adoptedwriter]

 

Kinship or Kintsugi?

 

In 1959 Mom and Dad united in marriage. That era was an idyllic time of glamour, prosperity and classic traditions. Their home was immaculate and everything shined bright like the rising sun. Dad carried Mom over the threshold just like the newlyweds used to do in old television shows, and their lives began. They cultivated a new routine with him dressed in a jacket, shirt and tie, working in an office in town every day eight-to-five, and her adorned in a modest yet flattering house dress, dusting, straightening, decorating and meticulously following recipes. In 1960, a son arrived, followed by another boy in 1961. Mom and Grandma dressed the two boys alike and friends and neighbors took delight in their almost- twins.

 

Mom and Dad were baffled however how two lads born 14 months apart, coming from the same parents and household, and same education could be so incredibly different in temperament, interests and talents. Elder Son excelled in school with high grades and dedication to learning outside the classroom. He took life seriously, even at a young age, had an advanced vocabulary and everyone expected he would grow up to be a doctor. Younger Son was adventurous, outdoorsy, loved sports but did not always do his homework. Still he was praised for his charming ways. Elder was sensitive, studious and cautiously awkward in social situations. Younger played hard, partied hard and dated a different girl every weekend. The brothers had very little in common aside from some DNA.

They did very little together.

 

As young adults, Elder Brother earned a college degree in computer science and married his high school sweetheart. Younger Brother took longer than expected to finish his business degree, had a hot-and-heavy romance with one young lady which ended abruptly. No one knew why, but everyone had a theory. He eventually married his other girlfriend. Elder and his wife bought a simple but well-constructed home in one suburb near Mom and Dad’s house, while Younger and his wife bought a larger-than-life home in the same suburb as their parents. The brothers didn’t NOT get along, but the also did not get along. They were just too different in spirit. Most communication between the brothers happened through Mom’s or Dad’s relayed news and messages.

 

This enabled lack of direct communication caused somewhat of a crack in the family foundation, but the family continued on regardless because everyone tolerated the peculiar dynamics and never spoke up lest someone make waves.

 

The Elders had two daughters; free spirits with long hair, who preferred animals to people, wore the dye shirts and old jeans and were sensitive like their dad and artistic like their mom. They had messy rooms and made forts out of old cardboard boxes and sofa pillows. The Youngers had a son and a daughter who won many sports trophies, wore coordinating outfits and kept their rooms and walk-in closets spotless and orderly. 

 

Mom and Dad were in charge of all the family dinners and holiday events. Christmas Eves and Days were the were a 48-hour spree of euphoria, fun and family times. The parents transformed their home into a glorious holiday wonderland with garlands, wreaths, a live tree with twinkling lights, holiday music playing on the old Regina music box, and, of course, Mom’s growing collection of Hallmark singing snowmen! They served turkey and prime rib plus all of the side dishes you could imagine for everyone, including all the cousins, aunts and uncles. They never wanted anyone else to bring anything. They supplied it all and were happy to do so. It was a magical time of scents, tastes, sounds and sights you associate with kindness and joy on those days. 

 

Once Christmas was over and the tree was down it was not the same. Mom and Dad chose to spend more of their free time going to the activities and sports events for Younger’s children. They even took trips together. The Elders would invite them to their home for a meal and almost always they were too busy or too tired. 

 

The Youngers began to take over the Thanksgiving duties as Mom and Dad aged. They were delighted to spend time in the immaculate Larger-Than-Life house. The Elders tried to invite the whole family to the Simple-but-Well-Built home for Easter, but everyone said they were too busy or too tired. The Elders noticed that there were more and more occasions where Mom and Dad were spending lots of time with the Youngers, but it was like pulling teeth to get them to spend time with the Elder side of the family. It was like if they did spend time with the Elders it seemed to be more out of duty than by choice. It made that crack in the foundation deepen, but no one could do much about it.

 

It began to feel as though the Youngers were usurping every opportunity for time together and that Mom and Dad were allowing this to happen. Mom and Dad felt hesitant to host or spend time with both families together. Mom called these one-on-one gatherings “special time”, but to the Elders it seemed more like a cop-out and a way to keep the two sons and their respective families apart. Mom and Dad, in all of their wonderful ways, had never been good at providing the two brothers with sufficient positive experiences of togetherness, and this issue carried into their adult lives. Were Mom and Dad prepared for a possible fight between brothers that never happened? As different as the two young men were, no one had any intention of starting drama at a cherished family gathering. It just wasn’t their way. Coping with fears of confrontation by avoidance only created greater divisiveness and less trust. 

 

It made the Elders feel only accepted under certain perfect conditions. For years the Elders went along with the system so as to not cause problems, and they knew if they spoke up they would be gas-lighted with remarks like, “That’s not true. We love you very much”.  However, the parents’ actions seemed to indicate something else. Even if the Elders were loved, they were not deemed as acceptable because they made other, less conservative life choices regarding child-rearing and friendships. 

 

Then Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Dad continued to look after her for a number of years without a problem until he began to suffer from PF and the associated dwindling energy. The Elders had a plan to take meals to their house and cook there so that Mom and Dad could enjoy nutritious, warm dishes and not have to work so hard in the kitchen. The bonus was getting to spend more quality time with them while trying to give back for their kindness, even when the Elder family did feel left out and misunderstood. 

 

The next Christmas rolled around, and the Elders realized it would be the last one as everyone knew it. No one else would say it, but the Elders just knew. Everything was planned to be hosted at the Youngers’ Larger-Than-Life house. All the cousins, etc. came for the meal on Christmas Eve, as was the norm, but the Elders were not invited for the Christmas Day festivities. They did not understand why, since this had always been a family tradition to have the group of 10 plus the first cousins present ever since forever. (The first cousins were invited.) 

 

Instead, the Elder family celebrated Christmas as a family of four quietly at their own Simple-but-Well-Built home that morning and had a “special time” dinner of leftovers with Mom and Dad without anyone else later that evening. It did not feel very special since the usual crowd had dispersed. Elder son tried o ask why there was such a division of the family on Christmas Day this year, But Dad could only say that the Elders should start to find their own traditions going forward. Dad wasn’t wrong, but it would have been nice to have had that one last Christmas day as a whole family. 

 

As a result, what was once perceived as a significant but still functional crack in the family structure due to poor communication and lifestyle differences became a painful rift. 

When Dad passed away a few months later and Mom moved to an assisted care facility, the remains of the magical on the outside family unit shattered to irreparability. The loss was greater than just the family patriarch. Like Dad, the solid, sturdy family establishment became ashes in an urn. 

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Over time, the family has taken on a new shape and energy. We cut some losses and gained more wins. We added two kind and caring sons-in-law and two clever, sassy but beautiful grandchildren, (plus a 3rd on the way!) When we celebrate, we have begun to include neighbors and friends in our circle, and we embrace the diversity and giftedness everyone has. We strive to never divide our children and their respective families from one another and to continue to work to repair any damages in family relationships that occur on the spot. We have found healing in understanding that you cannot make other people like or accept you unless they want to and that having differences spiritually or politically is okay. We believe that those differences (or any others) should not have to be closeted away because our home is a safe place for all whether you like sports, play video games, believe that Bigfoot is real, embrace Jesus, cast spells, light a menorah or identify outside the “traditional” perception of male/female. “Special time” is any time and every time we are together.